Dear Neighbors across-the-complex-and-up-one-floor,
Thank you for acting as my alarm clock at varying intervals throughout the night. I was clearly rested enough to function for a whole day after only a couple hours of sleep and I appreciate that you made me aware of this. Listening to your domestic disturbance was just like listening to my favorite morning radio show and the endearing words you were using to describe your friends brought a little tear to my eye. When I peeked out my window, I saw you guys in a loving embrace outside the door. I’m not sure that everyone was comfortable with being hugged because of the struggle that ensued.
I do, however, have one question for you; what did the cat do to you? Why were you so intent on punting it off of the balcony? I mean, I understand… wait… no I don’t.
Just a little word of advice before I go: Next time you decide to get wasted, remember that you’re wasted. People who are drunk out of their minds shouldn’t be driving and they definitely shouldn’t be taking what others say seriously.
Next time you assholes decide to wake me up at 3 in the morning with death threats to your friends and your pets, I’m going to call the police. If this time was any indication, you’ll be outside long enough for the entire Bloomington Police Department to respond.